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Well, here I am again. It is time to get on with this little journal of adventure, although, this will take a bit longer because...."I donn-a feel-a so good" all the time. It sort of feels as if I was run over by a very large truck (lorry in the U.K.) over and over again.
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We, in Alberta, and just about everywhere these days, are experiencing 'bed' shortages in our hospitals,and things were no better when my operation took place. I found myself on a ward treating, for the most part, broken bones. I would have certainly preferred to be on a ward experienced in Women's Specialties, because rebuilding a breast (in my layman's opinion) is a bit different than mending a broken hip. 
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The operation went well, by all accounts . That is according to the various nurses and doctors who took a peek! The day after the op I felt absolutely wonderful....really terrific...felt like I could have run a marathon, on my hands....and won! The reason for that, it seems, was that an ' epidural anaesthetic and pain killer' had been used to put me 'under' and keep me pain free. The feed, on the first day, was constant so naturally I felt on top of the world. Most of the week in hospital is a blur of people coming and going, innumerable flower deliveries (a big thank you to everyone) and trying to put everything into perspective. My ability to focus seemed to have become non-existent as well, so I just relaxed and read and stayed away from my computer.
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On
Feb. 28th, my daughter, Dale took me to Dr Haugrud's office (he is the
plastic surgeon) to have the reconstruction area checked out. To my disappointment
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March 6th...well, today David and I went to see Dr Haugrud again. He confirmed the necrosis, which , although, it sounds awful, could really have been worse. (There are sites, on the net, with pictures if anyone would like to look for them, I would rather not show them here though. It just makes me a tad queasy right now.)After the dead tissue was cleaned out, (no, it didn't hurt, because there is no feeling in or around that area), he noted that the relocated stomach muscle looks healthy. There, also, is no sign of infection. Both very good indications.
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I
got totally 'grossed out', because, although Dr H. said not to look at it
until he got a mirror for me...I had to, just like any overage kid, take
a peek. Talk about 'yuk...gross', that was my reaction! Trust me, when trying
to look at something on one's chest, while lying on one's back, and, also,
looking through bifocals......is not the best way to view a cleaned out
site. Good advice would be....'wait until the Dr gets a mirror for you'. |
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The Dr's office staff (Connie) contacted the 'home help' office for us and we are making arrangements for someone to come in once a day, to clean and redress the area. David, will also be doing that for me, which I truly consider above and beyond the call of duty. I am very lucky to be married to someone who not only takes three weeks off of work to be at home with me, but who also offers to take care of the 'site' which needs very careful care. Lucky aren't I?
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I
have an appointment with Dr H. on March 9, this week, just to check on
progress as he has to be away for a week. Then, when he is back, we will
be discussing whether or not to go with a skin graft (probably from the
thigh) on the affected area.
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I will keep adding to these pages, just to keep the information flowing. Good, or bad, I will pass it on. Still, a piece of advice that should be oft repeated is....get as much information as possible regarding any operation you are thinking about. At least I was aware of all possibilities (which does not mean I was immune to the shock and disappointment of the results) but was a tad prepared.
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Having
a strong support group is invaluable.
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March 7,Well, today we got our visit from the Home Nurse Supervisor...Carol..a real nice and competent lady who was very helpful with her advise. It seems that I will be attending, probably daily, the local Wound Clinic, where trained nurses will clean and dress the wound for me. They will also keep a record of how the healing is progressing. According to Carol, and to David ( who, unlike myself, doesn't mind looking at it!!) the area is responding very well. Tomorrow, March 8, David will take me to the wound clinic and we will see what they say. It is a very strange sensation to 'know' that someone is working on the area but there is no feeling whatsoever. Sort of like after novacaine has been injected into a person's gums before dental work is done. There is no way that yours truly will be looking at that area at all...not for a while anyway. It is a funny thing that normally, I am not squeamish about things 'yukky' but for some reason this turns me inside out! One thing noticeable, to me, after the cleansing and dressing was complete, I got incredibly cold and tired. David said it was probably a result of tension....and I don't doubt that for one moment. Not that I was nervous.....No,never.... good heavens of course not....this is me, always cool under pressure......well, maybe, I was a little tense!!! Just a little, teeny bit tense...and that's all I'll admit to!!!!!
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March11, well, another day, another dressing change....how tedious this is getting! Just kidding of course....I am grateful that a health care plan is available for me to get the proper care. I just pray that this availability remains in place and that our provincial government's plan to extend certain privileges to 'privately run facilities' does not come into effect. David and I have been attending the 'Wound Clinic' daily, and it is quite interesting really. Although the services of the clinic, and healthcare professionals is covered by our Health Care Insurance (something all Canadians have at present), the bandages, saline solution, adhesive tape, intra-site gel, q-tips, scissors and guaze are not. We are supplying all of this. If I were still in hospital all would be supplied.....really all this is a total learning experience. I wonder, though, what happens to people who need the service but cannot afford all the supplies? Hopefully, our H.C.I covers the supplies for them. ( I found out that some people can apply for assistance in for the needed suplies) Both David, and whichever nurse is on duty, are reassuring me that the wound looks healthy enough. It certainly isn't showing any problems at this time. So, hopefully this will continue and the hole in my chest heals up and I can get on with life.
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I have been getting braver each day. How? Well, I have been having my showers by myself. Why is that so brave? Well, it has been very difficult indeed for me to look at the 'wound'. If the wound were on someone else there would be not problem for me. I could take care of it, clean it, dress it and comfort the patient. However, this is on me, myself and I. Just the idea of having a 'hole' in my chest turns me into a lump of very green jelly!!! Silly isn't it? Well, the first time 'it' got showered, David helped me. I stood like a scared child, shaking from head to foot wishing it were over. Boy were my muscles tense. Then, being a grown up, I decided to never shower 'it' again!!! Instead, I would let the nurses at the wound clinic do it for me. Very mature don't you think?? Still, I came to understand that by showering the wound daily, any 'bad' debris would be washed off completely and the healing would progress more quickly. So, I took a deep breath, turned on the shower and stepped in. Thank goodness my vision isn't very good (I wear bifocals but not in the shower) and I couldn't really see the wound very well, so the shower went well. I hopped out quickly and slapped some dressing on, covered that with an almost waterproof dressing, put on a bra and got dressed. Then we went and had the dressing completed at the wound clinic. The nurse stated that the wound was the cleanest she had seen for a while. Each day it gets a wee bit easier and the healing is progressing. Bravery does have it's payoff!!
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My appointment with Dr Haugrud, was Monday March 20 and he was pleased with the progression of the healing. We discussed my options which are, leave things as they are and let the wound slowly heal by itself. This would mean daily trips to the wound clinic for an indeterminate length of time. This method does tend to invite infection possibly, and that terrifies me. The second option, and the one we are going with, is to have a skin graft. There will be skin taken from my left thigh, the area will there will be covered with a teflon-like material and left that way until it heals. The graft will then be put on the open part of the breast. I am assuming that the edges will have to be trimmed to create a smooth finish...I hope. My choices for the operation are 1) Local anaesthetic and go home after the job is done. Since that would mean being sort of awake I vetoed that right away. (No guts, that's me) 2) Full anaesthetic and an overnight stay in hospital. Naturally, that is the choice I made. So, it all takes place on March 30th. Hopefully, once this is all done I will heal up faster, and feel a whole lot better than I do at this time. I will, come back to this page when it is all over and update. So, bye for now....ttyl.
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April
2, 2000.....nothing to write about, really...I had the skin graft done
on March 30 and woke up with a very sore thigh. The nurse pumped me full
of morphine, which is not my favourite pain killer by the way...and the
pain went away. Of course, so did my brain for about 24 hours. Or so it
seemed. Now, my left thigh is covered in a plastic like wrap, and my breast
is covered, completely, with dressing which will be removed on this next
Thursday when I visit Dr H. There is so much dressing in fact that my
breast hasn't looked that large since I had my last baby!!!! Of course,
the right side is normal so I do look rather strange....sort of lopsided.
Oh, well, it is not very comfortable but soon all the discomfort should
be done with, and my breast, and now my leg, will heal properly.
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I have to say that my day in hospital was made nicer by the excellent nurses, not the night nurse I'm afraid...somehow I didn't think she was a 'night' person...and my 'room-mates' Del and Lorraine...I nicknamed us the LPD! Both Del and Lorraine had mastectomies and were handling it very well. Del Blackhorse, is a wonderful lady. Well on her way to a Bachelor of Arts..and she is a little over 50. (I don't give away secrets) Surrounded by an incredibly wonderful group of people, family, extended family and friends...I consider myself fortunate to have known her, even for such a short time. Lorraine, I didn't get to know as well as she was snoozing (thanks to painkillers) for a good part of our stay together...but, wow, does she have a great sense of humour. She loves hand-held video games, as do I, so we had something in common.
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After seeing
Dr H. last week, to check on the skin graft and it's donor site...he said
it was coming along nicely. Of course, that is just his 'medical' opinion....not
mine!!! It has been over a week now, and the worst part of everything
is the donor site. Boy is it sore. It hurts just to get up and walk after
sitting for a while so I tend to look a bit like a 110 year old hobbling
across the floor. Of course, he did warn me that the donor site would
hurt a whole lot more than where the skin went. The breast area, well
there is no sensation there, so it doesn't hurt. I still wish it looked
better though. I do not enjoy taking painkillers, dulls the mind you know,
but the last couple of days have managed to down quite a few Tylenol 3's...only
because of the donor site discomfort. I did tell my doctor though,
that this is one of the worst things to happen to someone with a low self-esteem...and
it is. Simply because appearance is important, maybe people like me tend
to elevate it's importance...but that doesn't stop us feeling miserable
on the inside. I am sure all the misery etc. will pass away as the discomfort
diminishes...but sometimes it can get pretty overwhelming. One of the
hardest things to deal with during these past weeks is the frustration
of being idle. My usual habit is to be 'busy'. Maybe not doing things
that necessarily need to be done, but doing things I want to get done.
Because of all that has happened I have been idle. I am most fortunate
to have people around who understand my frustration. They have been going
real 'easy' on me!! Aren't I lucky??
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A friendship has developed between myself and Vicki. Vicki is a very brave and strong young lady in eastern Canada who has been through a lot with her cancer,mastectomy, and is now considering an implant. We 'talk' via e-mail and she recently sent me a note which included some very insightful words. I would like to share these words with whomever reads this as it proves that 'all things are relative'. You see, Vicki had asked me "Is it very painful Pat? It sure sounds like it would be." and then she wrote....... " It's funny but when you've been through so much and people ask that same question, you start thinking back and kind of grading the pain for different procedures. I had a girlfriend going on to me the other day about how painful she had heard the mammogram was, and was it true? I thought to myself, well, not as bad, as the needle biopsy, not nearly as brutal as the surgical biopsy that I was awake for, less nasty than the chemo and all the blood tests, less scary than the surgery, and radiation, nope I'd have to say the mammogram was a definite breeze. She looked at me kind of puzzled."  Vicki
is one very smart lady.
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April 12
- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy......Oh Boy!!!! Talk about getting impatient.
It seems that my skin was very sensitive to either the special plastic
which covered the donor site, or the adhesive which kept it on the leg!
Dr Haugrud said that the donor site should have healed more by now, and
that the alergic reaction probably slowed it down. So, here I am walking
around with this gross looking patch of healing skin on my left thigh.
Surrounding this area is skin which is slightly swollen and covered with
little pimples. So, Polysporin ointment is being used on the edges of
the healing donor site, and Zincofax on the skin surrounding it. This
is my attempt at clearing up the pimples and stopping the edges of the
healing area from tightening up. Ugh! You know, it is one thing to sit
around and do nothing because you can!! However, it is a different matter
to HAVE to because it hurts like hell if you don't. Oh, well, I
have been assured by the 'professionals' that this process shouldn't take
too long. I can only hope that our definitions of 'too long' don't differ
too much!
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April 18th For a while it was just too 'sticky' to have anything on the donor site, so I would try to stick my feet under some sheets, tuck the middle part under my thigh and pull the upper part of the sheet over my upper parts!!!! Talk about getting a lousy sleep! If any part of the sheet accidentally touched my donor site and show signs of stain..I would wash the sheets right away. I absolutely hate soiled sheets. I am sure that a psychologist would make something interesting of that...but, it is simply a case of 'I don't like sleeping on dirty sheets'! Then, two nights ago I bravely pulled on my pajama bottoms, and lo and behold...nothing stuck. It stung a wee bit, and didn't seem to care for the pressure, as light as it was, of the material, but at least I got to sleep covered up. Then today, when we decided to go out I realised that walking around with my 'patch' visible to all concerned would not impress most folks, it was time to find a pair of pants. Lo and behold......it wasn't too uncomfortable. so, things are most definitely looking up. As for the breast area, well, due to the necrosis and skin graft (that took almost everywhere on the breast) it is certainly not going to be what I visualized for myself. There will be indents, and possibly a nook or crevice....but, not to complain. I am grateful for the opportunity to be almost symmetrical once more. My mood is lightening up too. I have to admit that depression and self-pity have been my close friends these past weeks, and my decisions have come in to question. (Only to myself that is, everyone else says I made the right choices). It is natural, in my opinion, as a human being not just as a woman, to wonder whether it would have been better to make the other choice. Meaning the radiation etc. That is mostly vanity speaking, for me anyway, it is a matter of self-esteem to be 'complete' in the 'natural' sense. Although, when one gets right down to it....as long as we are spiritually complete, we are as complete as we should be. My spirit is coming back (thank goodness) and I am feeling more energy and happiness than has been with me in months. It can only get better. You know, in a world
where both men and women were truly equal...this is what men would have
to go through when they have their annual checkup....
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April 26.....I think things are looking up. My strength seems to be coming back, and it is nice to have some energy. My sleeping pattern is haywire, but that should settle down soon. I have always been one to go to bed late, and get up around 11 a.m.. Lately, no matter what time my head hits the pillow I cannot seem to get to sleep, my muscles seem to jump and twitch and this keeps me awake. Then, by the time sleep, due to exhaustion, does arrive. it stays until well after noon. Today was no different,
except that early in the evening when something was needed at the store
(ice, was needed, I am drinking so much water lately that we can't keep
a decent supply of ice). Well, David was really busy with important
stuff and didn't really want to take time out to drive to the store.
Since I was feeling soooo energetic it was decided that I would do the
ice - run!! Oh, boy, did it feel good. Behind the wheel, dog in the
back seat, windows wide open (it was a mild evening) and off we went.
Even the seatbelt didn't irritate me when it did the last time this
was attempted. It almost felt like the 'old' me was back! To make things
even better, as we left the parking lot of Safeway the radio began to
play one of my very favourite tunes. It was 'Shout It Out Loud' by KISS!!!!!
Picture this......a 56 year old woman, not looking her best, driving
along, windows wide and singing along at the top of her voice...."shout
it, shout it, shout it out loud....we gotta have a party"!!!!!!
And I didn't care what anyone thought..it just felt so good. That's
why I think that 'things are looking up'. |
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May
18th...I am getting so much stronger each day, it feels very good
let me tell you. The muscle twitching still happens occasionally, but
doesn't bother me as much. Still, if it does keep up I will mention it
to my GP. Personally speaking though, it is more likely that my muscles
cannot believe they are being used as much as they are..and it is their
way of complaining! I did go to see Dr. B recently though, to put my mind
at ease as to my level of healing. I still have bouts where the sweat
just pours off of me. He says this will pass, but will taper off slowly.
It is most unpleasant...yes, and inconvenient. Just when I feel fresh
and neat...bingo, the sweating starts and I feel stale and untidy!!! Oh,
well, one cannot have it all.....can one? Dr B feels that the breast is
doing well, although to my eye it is the ugliest thing I have ever seen,
but was concerned with one part of the scar on my stomach. This scar is
long by necessity. It is where the muscle was taken to replace the breast
tissue which was removed. Most of it has healed quite well, though a couple
of spots are wider than I would have liked to see...but one spot just
did not seem to want to close at all. This he said was a 'open wound'
and a potential problem. I had been dutifully putting on Polysporin (the
new one which is supposed to promote faster healing) and covering it with
gauze and taping that on. Well, what I had been doing really, was causing
the wound area to dry out, therefore not allowing it to heal. Dr B. said
to use a special gel (intra site) and cover the area with a telfa pad.
Since that treatment has been in effect, there does seem to be a healing
taking place. Thank goodness, heaven knows this body doesn't need another
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I doubt whether much more will be needed on these pages as I am so much healthier now..the worst is certainly over, and the best is yet to come. To anyone out there who is going through any fight with Cancer, my message is simply...be strong, investigate all your options and email me (or anyone else who offers a shoulder to lean on, and an ear to listen) if you need to vent, or ask questions. It is alright , and normal, to be depressed; to feel scared and alone..but you are not alone. There are many, many women, near and far,who will surround you with love and support. Though you may never meet face to face...your souls will touch, and your strengths merge. with love to all my friends, and family, who have supported me with their love and strength through these past few months...I couldn't have done it alone. from, Pat/'Tricia/Trish/Mum/Nan
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it seems
that necrosis is taking place. Not a pleasant thought, however, he gave
me some anti-biotic (to keep off any possible infection in the area) and
asked me to come back the next week. Necrosis, basically means that the
blood flow to that area is not happening and the flesh is dying. Not the
most pleasant of thoughts really.
David,
my husband and best friend......I consider my self to be one very fortunate
human being.
